Or were you horny before you saw my ad? Sex drive is a funny thing, there’s a purely physical element to it for sure, but your mind also plays such a big role in how amorous you feel. A photo or video might take you from 0 to 100 in moments, or you might just wake up hard as steel and ready to go.
Or perhaps your mind is there, but your body isn’t playing ball. You’ve never wanted me more but no matter what you do,you can’t get it up, or if you’re a vulva owner – you’re bone dry.
Firstly, let me say this is a completely normal, commonplace occurrence, especially for first-timers. So let me reassure you that I don’t have any problem with it, I’m not taking it personally, and there is a lot more to sex than Penis-in-Vagina (PIV) so it’s truly not an issue.
Being horny is not always going to be accompanied by a hard dick or a wet pussy. The best way to know if someone is into you is not checking how wet or hard they are. It’s asking them, or reading their body language. And I can read you just fine.
I know that when you’re laying down the coin, you have certain goals you want to achieve. But things do not always go to plan and we can enjoy each other’s company in other ways. So I encourage you to relax, quit apologising, and make out with me while grind on your thigh.
Now that I have that out of the way, I would really love to talk about “sex drive”. I believe the book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski should be required reading for anybody who wants to have good sex or even a successful relationship.
One of the ideas Dr Nagoski has introduced is that, rather than a sex drive, what we all have are a sex brake pedal and sex gas pedal. It’s not enough to be turned on. We also need to not be turned off. If you try to drive your car while your brakes are on, you get nowhere fast.
Just like cars, people’s brake and gas pedals have a different level of sensitivity. Perhaps you’re very easily turned on and not a lot can deter you – that means your accelerator is very sensitive while your brakes are not (ME!).
Or perhaps you, or someone you want to be intimate with, takes a lot longer to get from 0 to 100. What is required here is some prep work to get the foot off the brakes, before you can even think about applying some acceleration.
We are individuals and what triggers our brakes will vary, but one major factor, that everyone will face, is stress. It is a survival mechanism, a base instinct, that if we are under imminent threat, its not a good time to procreate. These days we rarely come face to face with lions, but we do experience anxiety, burnout and the pressures of modern day life. These have the same impact on our nervous system as the threat of a lion, so total boner-killers all round.
For me, these “threat detected” feels, absolutely make my vagina clamp shut, which is why I will never take bookings from anyone that is giving red flag vibes. I cannot get in the mood if alarm bells are sounding in my head. I apologise in advance if you’re “really a nice guy” but I need to trust my instincts, even if that means nice guys occasionally miss out.
In a more general lifestyle setting, the imminent threat might just be the feeling of overwhelm due to having to fit too much into your day, or the dishes piling up out of control, or feeling unsupported.
There is an unfounded belief that men have a higher sex-drive than women, and this belief often comes from men wanting to have sex more than their wives. Realistically what is actually happening here is that there is not enough removal of brakes for the wife, and not enough application of accelerators. In the absence of brakes, a woman has just as much of a sex drive as a man.
Removing brakes might look like finding out what her stressors are and helping remove them. Applying more pressure to the gas might look like learning more about what really gets her off. Coming forward with curiosity and care, after first helping her take her foot off the brakes.
If you would like to improve your existing or future sexual relationships, I highly recommend reading Come As You Are in it’s entirety. This is not man-hating feminist propaganda. The book talks at length about men’s sex drive and needs as well, touches on how to deal with impotency, and how we really aren’t so different from each other.
From a very sexually active woman’s perspective, I will say that everything mentioned in the book was 100% accurate and relatable, and it helped me know myself so much better. All my sexy friends that read it agreed. If reading a book is not your vibe, you could try the audio version on Audible. For less than $30 and a few hours of your time, you can enrich your current or future relationships and experience a whole new world of connection and pleasure. Get on it!
And a cheat sheet for you in the context of our interactions…
My brakes: Stress (of course), rudeness, one word messages, people acting entitled, rate negotiations, trying to bend the rules, boundary crossers, negging, doing things without asking consent first, being in perceived physical danger, asking what I like then doing or suggesting something else instead (the ‘I know better’ vibe), compliments or sustained eye contact in an unapproved setting (e.g. at the supermarket, in the street – fuck off!), trying to give me a hickey, unsolicited tongue to the clit, unsolicited dick pics
My accelerators: Kindness, politeness, feeling safe, compliments in an approved setting (e.g. in my Onlyfans DMs, in my bedroom), shoulder and neck massages, foot rubs, gentle nipple play, when you ask what I like then do the thing I said, when you remember what I said last time and do it again, light caresses all over my body (make me tingle), good conversation, thoughtful gifts and tips, kissing my neck, stimulation of my general vulva area, solicited arse pics
